Via The Australian:
ACTRESS and singer Liza Minnelli was taken to hospital after falling out of bed and hitting her head in the early hours, People magazine reported today.
Good Lord, there are so many possible punch lines for this story…
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D. Rather will report tonight that L. Minnelli did not fall out of bed but has authoritative proof from an impeachable source, democratic friend, T. Kennedy, that Minnelli was washed away by a vodka tsunami. Kennedy, who admitted that he was lying on Minnelli’s vodka filled waterbed at the time of the incident, stated that he farted, sending his two cheeks in motion, creating a tidal surge that caused the bed to fail from the excessive pressure. Minnelli was survived by an olive that was removed from her rectum during the autopsy and consumed soon afterward by Mr. Kennedy. Jealous and not to be outdone by the coverage, K. Couric offered to use the cBS logo as a diaphram to help the outgoing Rather transmit and receive messages from close confidant, Ed Murrow, in a televised attempt to boost ratings (well, at least you know they have one viewer). Rather, in the spirit of cooperation, offered his John Kerry vibrator to help tune the device to the appropriate vibratory wavelengths. cBS engineers had no comment as to whether the device violated FCC regulations. It was not known whether Murrow or Couric suffered an orgasm during the testing of the device, but Rather indicated both seemed pleased with the initial results.