If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em (Looting 101)

Police in New Orleans have stopped their search-and-rescue mission in order to focus on looters. Not just your run-of-the-mill looters. No. They’re facing looters with guns. Not BB-guns. AK-47’s stolen from area Walmart’s and other convenient localities.

New Orleans Cops Ordered to Stop Looters – Mayor Ray Nagin ordered 1,500 police officers to leave their search-and-rescue mission Wednesday night and return to the streets to stop looting that has turned increasingly hostile as the city plunges deeper into chaos. “They are starting to get closer to heavily populated areas — hotels, hospitals, and we’re going to stop it right now,” Nagin said in a statement to The Associated Press.

Just how does one loot effectively when you’re waist deep in water? Well, pull up a chair kiddos and receive a lesson in Looting 101.

Amid the turmoil Wednesday, thieves commandeered a forklift and used it to push up the storm shutters and break the glass of a pharmacy.

Yep, a forklift. That’s using your noggin huh? The driver must have been a gifted child.

The crowd stormed the store, carrying out so much ice, water and food that it dropped from their arms as they ran. The street was littered with packages of ramen noodles and other items.

Ah, the hazards of looting without proper tote compartments. A Walgreens down the street has those rubbermaid tub thingy’s with lids. You know, to keep the water out and away from your booty of 1000 ramen noodle packages. (Never mind that there’s no electricity or natural gas to light a stove, to boil the water you need, to, uh…eat the ramen. But we’ll worry about that little detail later.)

Looters also chased down a police truck full of food.

My goodness! It is tough to run in all that debris filled, poisonous, salmonella contaminated water.

The New Orleans police chief ran off looters while city officials themselves were commandeering equipment from a looted Office Depot. During a state of emergency, authorities have broad powers to take private supplies and buildings for their use.

WHOA, Hold on…Wait just one second! The cops can loot too if they need their own ramen noodles? Just what do they say to the criminals they’re trying to stop?

“Freeze mister! Put down that package of chicken flavored ramen! Don’t you know we’re in the middle of a state of emergency? That ramen is needed for official security purposes. Lay that conveniently sealed package combining uncooked noodles with a handy foil pack of chicken bouillon powder on the floor and back away slowly! Do it now, punk!”

Well, according to our man on the street, the men and women in blue serving to protect were enjoying their looting privilege a little more than expected.

“The police are looting. This has been confirmed by several independent sources. Some of the looting might be “legitimate” in as much as that word has any meaning in this context. They have broken into ATMs and safes: confirmed. We have eyewitnesses to this. They have taken dozens of SUVs from dealerships ostensibly for official use. They have also looted gun stores and pawn shops for all the small arms, supposedly to prevent “criminals” from doing so. But who knows their true intentions. We have an inside source in the NOPD who says that command and control is in chaos. He reports that command lapses more than 24 hours between check-ins, and that most of the force are “like deer in the headlights.” NOPD already had a reputation for corruption, but I am telling you now that the people we’ve been talking to say they are not recognizing the NOPD as a legitimate authority anymore, since cops have been seen looting in Walmart’s and forcing people out of stores so they could back up SUVs and loot them.”

So there you have it kids. If you truly wish to learn the ways of the looter, do as the cops do, not as they say.

Oh, and next time…use the SUV instead of the forklift.

UPDATE: Video of police shopping for looting shoes.

Related: Delusional, Dysfunctional, Divisive, and Defiant


  1. I think that a lot of assumptions are being made here. How do you know that the items taken by the police are for their personal use? How do you know that they aren’t being taken to a central location to distribute to citizens?

    Police Dept. does have the authority to commandeer items in an emergency, and SUV’s would be an item taken in an emergency like this, along with boats, etc. I also understand them wanting to take guns for safekeeping, especially since we are getting all of these reports of armed thugs running around raping, etc.

    You can’t automatically just assume that it is ‘looting by the police’ when it really could be ‘official business’. These officers are working 18-20 hour days, they are doing everything that they can to help, I think it would be a little more beneficial to everybody to hold off on the assumptions and finger pointing until things are in better shape….

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